A Sort of a Homecoming
by grassysvu67
Summary: Sometimes we struggle to find our away home again. A post-Her Negotiation/Surrender Benson story.


**Sort of a Homecoming**

"…Tonight we'll build a bridge, across the sea and land, see the sky, the burning rain. She will die and live again, tonight. And your heart beats so slow through the rain and fallen snow, across the fields of mourning. Light's in the distance. Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep for tonight, at last, I am coming home. I am coming home…" – U2

Today was a bad day, a very bad day. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones but this day was different. Olivia Benson found herself teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown and a complete breakthrough. Something had to give.

At home, sleep was fleeting. The nightmares she had were too vivid. Each one made her feel like she was back in that moment and each one was worse than before. On this night, during this dream, the Beast tortured her and forced her to watch as he tortured Rafael in front of her in her apartment. She begged him to spare Rafael. She was willing to die to protect him. But there was nothing she could do to stop it. It jolted her awake and it rattled her to her core; she couldn't take this anymore. It all had to stop.

Her restlessness woke him. He sat up and looked at her. She was drenched in sweat and her breathing was uneven.

"Another one?" He asked.

"Yeah. This one as worse than the others." She said.

When he asked her to tell him about it, she refused. In her mind, he didn't need to be haunted by what she saw. She tried to tell him to go back to sleep and that she would be okay. He didn't believe her. She was far from okay. So he insisted he stay up with her to keep her company.

She was too upset to be alone or go back to sleep but he had court early in the morning. She studied his face in the dim light and she saw how heavy his eyes were. He was just as exhausted as she was. He really needed some sleep; Olivia felt a wave of guilt overcome her.

She worried she was hurting him somehow. She tried to apologize. She suggested that maybe she overstayed her welcome and should leave. He left out a soft sigh and answered with a resounding no. He took her hand and reminded her of the promise he made to her four months ago. She gave him a weak smile. She realized that she wasn't going to win this battle with him. He was too set in his ways.

At work, Olivia nearly lost control during an interrogation. She and Nick had tried for three hours to get the suspect to confess to assaulting three women in SoHo. By the end of the third hour, the suspect made a crack about the scar on her wrist. Rage began to take over; she was ready to hurt him or worse. But she caught herself. It took all of her energy to resist the urge to grab him and bash his head into the table. Suddenly, the walls felt like they were closing in; she was struggling to breath. She knew she needed to get out of the squad room. She bolted from the interrogation room as everyone watched. She just needed some air and then she would be okay.

She noticed everyone staring. She suddenly felt very aware and self-conscience. She wanted everyone's gaze off her. She could feel them pass judgment and pity her. She knew they were waiting for her to slip up, for her to falter. She didn't want to give them the satisfaction. At least not today.

Cragen watched her run from the interrogation room and soon chased after her. "Liv! Wait!"

She stopped and turned, "Captain. I'm sorry I just needed to get out of there."

He reached out to her. "I think it would be best if you took the rest of the day off. "

"I'll be fine. I just need a few minutes."

"My orders. Take the afternoon off and come back tomorrow. Go home Olivia, please."

She didn't agrue. She knew he was right. She grabbed her jacket and headed towards the door. She decided she needed to visit someone who she hadn't seen in a long time. Someone who would understand and help her feel safe. She needed to feel alive again. Olivia Benson needed to go home.

Before she knew it, she stood at her mother's grave.

"Hi Mom. I brought you this pretty dark red rose...I remembered how much you liked them." Olivia said softly as she placed the rose down in front of her mother's grave. She stared for a moment at the words engraved into the stone.

Serena Benson, Loving Mother.

"I'm really sorry it has taken me so long to visit you again. I've been busy with work and things…Yeah I know…I can hear you saying, Olivia you are more than that job and don't let it control you…well it's a little late for all of that…I get it. I'm here because I have something really important to tell you. I just don't know how to say it."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She struggled to find her words; something inside of her was holding her back. She couldn't break free. She thought for a moment before speaking again. "Do you remember that time I came home from school when I was six? I had gotten in trouble for punching Billy Porter in the face because he said I didn't have a father. You were so mad at me for hitting another kid until I told you what he said. Do you remember that moment when I asked you why I didn't have a dad, you hugged me and cried? You told me that sometimes people do bad things to hurt other people and that one day you hoped I would understand. Well, Mom, I understand."

She felt tears build up in her eyes and she hastily wiped them away. She silently swore at herself. No crying, Benson.

"His name was William Lewis. He ra…violated me and hurt me for 2 days four months ago." She couldn't bring herself to say it. The thought of using that word made her nauseous. "My partner, Nick found us and he shot and killed him. Lewis would have killed me if Nick didn't get him first. Oh God, I'm struggling, Mom. Please tell me it's going to be okay. I can't sleep and I can't eat. It feels like I want to crawl out of my skin and I just want to scream." Olivia looked down at her left arm and stared at the jagged scar near her wrist. She began to trace it with her fingers. "He did that to me," she whispered, "and more."

"Mom I am not trying to go through this alone. I saw what it did to you. I know how much you hurt and how you tried to drink your pain away. I promise you I am not going to do that. I know you wouldn't want me to suffer like you did. I wish I could have helped you. I'm so sorry I failed you."

"My squad has been very supportive and great friends. Nick's saved my life twice. I don't know how I ever could repay him for all that he's done. And Don, Amanda, John, and Fin…they're my family…"

"But there is someone else, Mom, he has been there with me through it all. His name is Rafael and we started seeing each other…before…" Olivia's voice hiccupped, "before…it happened. He's been with me ever since they saved me. He promised me that he would be by my side to help me through this. And he really has. He loves me and I really do love him. I think you would like him really. He's witty and smart and most importantly he respects me. He's a good man, an honorable man. He asked me to marry him other day. I want to but I told him to wait. I just can't yet. He told me he would wait for as long as it takes. He is too good to me. I wonder if he asked me because he feels guilty since he couldn't stop what happened or if he means it. I think, though, no matter what, he deserves someone better than me. I'm too fucked up and broken...I don't really know how or why he can love me."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This has been so hard; I really don't know how you went through this and raised me. I hope through all this you would be proud of me. You know, I joined SVU for you, Mom, because you never got closure or justice. I thought that if maybe by doing this job, it meant that there would be one less survivor struggling and living in fear like you did and that would make it a bit better. I know how you would stay up at night and cry. You tried to hide it from me but I heard you. For a long time I thought you cried because of me…I know I have his eyes. I blamed myself for so long for your drinking and depression. But I understand now. It wasn't my fault or your fault…Mom I finally understand…"

Her voice trailed off and she took a deep breath. She looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was starting to set. Autumn in New York was a time of change and transition. How fitting and cliché. Damn it, you really are pathetic, Olivia bitterly thought.

She shook her head and looked back down at her mother's gravestone. She ran her hand over the smooth granite stone finding a bit of comfort as she touched. "I know we had our problems and we went through some very bad things. But I want you to know that you were one of the bravest women I ever knew. I never told you that and I wish I did. You tried so hard to provide for me and through it all you taught me about strength. I love you, Mom."

"God…I really wish you were here right now. You have no idea how much I need you. I know you are probably thinking Olivia you sound like a broken record. I don't know what to do. There are moments where I want the pain to end and I think about eating my gun. But I realize that means he wins and all that I have worked so hard for would be for not…"

Olivia couldn't hold back any longer and left out a heavy sob. "I've been trying not to cry. I don't want people to see me as a victim. I want people to see me as the strong independent detective they seen me as before all this. I don't want people to see me as weak because I'm not weak. I tried so hard to fight back but I just couldn't stop him. I can't keep holding it all in; I can't do this anymore. I'm losing myself. It just can't keep going this way…William Lewis raped me."

By saying those last few words, whatever was holding her back was released. Her attack and her survivorship became real. She fell to her knees and began to cry. She cried for her mother and most importantly for the first time she cried for herself. She cried to absolve herself of months of shame, guilt, and pain.

Rafael stood off in the distance, watching her, listening to her, waiting. His heart broke hearing her declare herself unworthy to be loved, too damaged, and wanting to die. To him, she wasn't damaged, she was worthy to have happiness and worthy to live. He couldn't bear to watch her suffer alone any longer; he needed to be there with her. And at this moment, Olivia needed him more than she could ever admit.

He walked towards her up the small knoll where her mother was buried. "Liv…" he whispered. He knelt down and reached for her hand.

"Rafael…I…" She tried to regain her composure, but she felt herself slipping again.

He cut her off, "Shh…it's okay. I'm here." He helped her up and pulled her into his embrace. He held her tight as she buried her face into his chest. She cried.

Olivia finally pulled back and looked at Rafael. "How did you know I was here?"

"Does it really matter? He replied softly as he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"I guess not."

"Are you okay?"

"Not really but I think I will be. I am ready to go home."


End file.
